I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
