we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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