You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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