pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
