The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Bring me that man meat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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