I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My bed smells like the plague
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