The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
