I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
