You really coming over, don't trick.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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