What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
