Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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