i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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