i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
