I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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