There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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