Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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