The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
