My sheets look like a crime scene.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
