So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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