you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
