i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
