New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
