So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
