i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
