I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
