You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You've changed since you got that strap on
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
