I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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