I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
