Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
