i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
