the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
