Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
