you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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