dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
