I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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