I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize