Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
