Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How external is "for external use only"?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
