Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
