i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
