I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
