my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize