no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
