Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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