remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
