Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
