Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
