I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Your cock deserves a montage
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
