that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
