Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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