Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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