There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
