It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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