I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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