two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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