So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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