I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
