I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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