He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
