if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
