so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize